My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
