I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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