my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
