I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
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I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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