I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
