went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
