So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
