I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
