The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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