Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
