My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
