Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
