Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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