The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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