Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
