Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Randomize
