Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
