I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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