i barfeds in our rink
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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