You're earring is so big in my mouth
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
