Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
