...so i touched it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
