my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
