Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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