Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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