when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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