what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
