operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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