Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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