You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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