Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
