I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
