2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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