I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
