sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
