just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
