I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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