Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
