I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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