the condom got lost in my hair
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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