i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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