goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
