so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
