Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
