My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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