Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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