I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
