"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
