@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
