Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
