you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
