put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
