You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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