Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
