i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
