Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
