Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
