Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
