How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
