She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
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If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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